freewrite 1

If I keep going on like this my heart will shatter and I will die alone and miserable.
-- idle thoughts

Fantasies. I'd take him out to dances and we'd play all night. I'd wipe him down at the end of the day and walk out into the rain. Imagining a musical partnership. This move scares the heck out of me, but the heart wants what the ear wants. ‪#‎violindecisions‬ ‪#‎growingup‬
-- on the question should I continue to pursue the lead to buy a new violin.

Notes on going deaf

For the last few weeks I've had an alarming decrease in my ability to hear. My left ear has never been very good and I've relied on my right ear for comprehending speech as well as for hearing to sing and play the violin.

I trust my senses so even when I am slightly impaired in the ear, I could sense approximately what was going on.

The last month or so has seen a sever deterioration in both ears such that I can no longer hear people and what they say. I've tried to sightread and lip read, but that doesn't work very well for me yet. I've gone to visit an audiologist and did a listening test. The results are "profound (left) and severe (right) hearing loss" with the recommendation to get an ENT specialist to investigate, and ultimately, to get a hearing aid fitted.

I don't mind a hearing aid - and since the frequencies of the hearing aid can be adjusted I think it'll actually do me good for musicality and tone purposes. 

I think ultimately I'll end up going that way.

For now, I'm settling for hearing faint amounts of sound, and performing the eustachian tube maneuver in order to flush out the fluid in my middle ear, which is a leftover symptom from childhood when I had to get tubes put in my eardrum.

It got a bit better with decongestants, but I think I'll need to go see that ENT.